


Can You Please Save My Soul

by faraandmera



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, And everyone else - Freeform, Fake Friendship, Fake/Pretend Relationship, M/M, Mentioned suicide attempts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-03
Updated: 2020-06-11
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:21:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23453176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/faraandmera/pseuds/faraandmera
Summary: "Is this some kind of sick fucking joke?" Are the first words out of Connors mouth. And, honestly, Evan can't say that's uncalled for. He did lie about them being friends, while Connor wasin a coma.(Or: the AU where Connor ended up in a temporary coma, but didn't die, from his attempt, but Evan still ended up lying about their friendship.)
Relationships: Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy
Comments: 28
Kudos: 94





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> me? not writing pain-verse? more likely than you think  
> do i have wips i could be working on? yes  
> will i? probably not. i took a break from making my game to write this so rip
> 
> title from Drown by AViVA

"Is this some kind of sick fucking joke?" Are the first words out of Connors mouth. And, honestly, Evan can't say that's uncalled for. If anything, it's less of a reaction than he expected. Stumbling to say, "no, I'm just a disaster," or maybe something less awful, but equally a proper explanation, Evan watches while Connor crosses his arms, eyes narrowing at Evan.

See this began a month ago. Evan being unable to explain that he'd written a letter to himself because it was for therapy, and Connor Murphy thinking the contents of said letter were meant to fuck with him. In the end, Connor had rushed off and Evan had an anxiety attack in the computer lab. Three days latter, Evan found himself called into the principal's office to meet Connor's parents, who had come to the conclusion that the letter was _from Connor_ , and meant for Evan. That they were _friends._ That the letter was what Connor intended to be his last words.

And Evan had panicked. He'd tried to explain that, _"no, Connor didn't write this,"_ but between his own inability to form a proper sentence, and the Murphy's talking about how Connor _tried to kill himself_ , Evan hadn't managed it. Eventually he let them believe they were friends and invite him to dinner, before realizing they never actually told him that _Connor wasn't dead._ "I'm so sorry, Evan," Connor's mom had said, "We- we were so caught up in asking you about being his friend we completely- I'm sorry if we worried you. Connor is- he's alive. But... we don't know when he'll wake up." And Evan had realized, _oh._ _I'm screwed._

He only made things worse for himself from there. Instead of just letting them think that, he actively _made things up_ about himself and Connor. Went as far as to write _fake emails_ between them.

Then, four weeks after Connor's attempt, he woke up. Evan got a message from Zoe- Connor's sister- saying as much. In the four days that followed, Evan avoided responding, and avoided Zoe at school. Then, Monday of the next week- far too soon, Evan thinks- he hears Connor has returned to school. Jared- Evan's _family_ friend, and the only one who he's told about any of this- laughs and tells him, "good luck not dying."

Evan managed to avoid both Murphy siblings for the whole of half of the day. Didn't run into either, even despite having classes with Connor- the latter must have skipped. _I might just survive,_ Evan thought. He used the schools side doors, instead walking through the halls from one part of the building to another, and thought that would be enough.

Connor corners him outside of one door, nearing the end of the first-lunch, lunch time. Evan had jumped, when Connor appeared in front of him. Evan holding onto the hem of his shirt like it would save him from whatever revenge Connor might have. And Connor spoke.

"Is this some kind of sick fucking joke?" Evan doesn't have to ask to know what he means. Fumbles for words.

"No- I- I mean- I didn't want to- I tried not to- well when they- when they first asked I tried to tell them- they- no one would listen and- and I- um- I couldn't bring myself to- they seemed so sad so I just- I was only going to not- I just didn't deny it, but I didn't plan on- um- on actually- I didn't mean to make things up. But- uh- but then they were asking and I- since- I already let them think we were friends so I had- I couldn't just _not_ say anything so- uh- so I just-"

"Oh my god." Connors words cut Evan's rambling off. Evan jumps, taking a step back, but it's probably for the best that he stop talking. "What's wrong with you?"

So many things. Evan just shakes his head. "I- uh- I don't-"

"Look." Evan looks up, yet is unable to actually meet Connors eyes. If he stares, really hard, at Connors nose maybe Connor wont notice Evan not actually looking him in the eyes. People say that works, right? "You didn't do this to fuck with me?"

"No!"

"Okay." Connor sighs. His expression becomes just the slightest bit softer. Less glaring, more exhaustion. He leans against the brick wall of the school with one of his shoulders. "Look my parents are-" He sighs, muttering a curse- "whatever you told them they're just... _so_ _happy_ about it. They've been way less on my case."

"Uh- isn't that- I mean- you just got out of the hospital-"

"Not the first time."

"Oh."

"Anyway. I _did_ say we could pretend we had friends." Connor motions slightly with one hand, and Evan looks down at his broken arm. The only signature taking up an entire side: Connor's name. Evan remembers that day- the day in the computer lab- when Connor had signed it and said, _"now we can both pretend we have friends."_

Evan only now realizes that the _both_ in there proves that even Connor- who barely knows Evan- knows that Evan doesn't have any friends. "Yeah..."

"Hey, Hansen?"

"Y-yes?"

"I'm...sorry."

"Huh?"

"About- you know, that day? Shoving you. Taking your depressing letter."

"Oh." Evan nods. "It's- um- that's okay."

Connor stares at Evan for what must be twelve seconds- Evan specifically does _not_ count them- before sighing. "It was depressing enough they thought it was my suicide note."

They had thought that, hadn't they? Of course they had. ... _nobody would even notice if I disappeared._ Evan had written that to- about- himself. Anyone reading it, especially if they found it in possession of their dying child, would think that. Evan tries not to think about what that says about his own thoughts.

"So- so you- not that- not to like, assume, or anything- but you want to pretend to be friends?"

"Sure." Connor nods. "Hell, if I don't end up hating you too much we could even try the real deal."

Evan tries to laugh. "Right, sure. Yeah. Okay, that's- yeah."

The bell rings, and Connor lets Evan go after exchanging both numbers and emails. Connor apparently _does_ actually have a secret email account because he knows his parents read his other emails. Go figure. At least that's one less thing Evan made up. (Even though he didn't know...)

> _Dear Evan Hansen,_
> 
> _send me all the emails you gave my parents im not gonna ask them about them_
> 
> _sincerely_

> _actually no fuck that i cant believe they thought i wrote a proper letter to you with "sincerely" and all that_
> 
> _-"Me"_


	2. We can play pretend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Jesus. This is pointless." Connor stands, and Evan fumbles grabbing his bag while standing, too. "This isn't going to work."  
> "Um." Evan hesitates, but Connor remains silent until the other finally says what he's thinking. "Then- are you going to tell them the truth?"

There's something so disorientating about waking up in a hospital room and being told by your parents that they _met your best friend_ who, as far as you were aware, didn't exist. Further explanation only made the whole thing _more_ confusing. For a moment, Connor was willing to believe he had some form of amnesia. That would have made more sense than reality. _"We found the letter,"_ they explained, and slowly everything clicked into place. Then the words, _"he told us everything,"_ hit him like a truck, throwing all the puzzle pieces apart.

He told them _what?_

For all his anger and confusion at the time, he came to realize over the following few days how this might just be to his benefit. Assuming it wasn't some sick joke.

"So- um- so what's the plan?"

"We wing it." The response makes full-blown panic form on Evan's face and Connor breathes a sigh. Right, that clearly hadn't worked out for the other so far. That was how he'd made up an entire story about their friendship that made almost no sense. "Okay- look- we just act like what you told them was correct, and leave it at that."

"What if they ask about things I didn't- that I didn't tell them? Like- like if they ask about-"

"Okay, okay. Fine, look." Evan nods, before Connor continues. "We don't have to talk about anything specific about our- uh- "friendship." I wouldn't anyway, so it would only look weird if we did."

"Okay. I can- I guess I can do that."

"Anything else?"

"We don't know anything about each other." The words come out almost blending together, but Connor manages to decipher them.

"Right, okay." With a sigh, Connor spins in his chair. The two met in the basically-unused computer lab. People only go there if they absolutely _have_ to, or need to print something. Any other time, they stick to their own personal laptops. Evan is hunched in his chair, picking at the hem of his shirt, when Connor finishes his 360. "What's your favourite colour?"

"That's- that's your starter?"

"What's wrong with it?" His tone must be harsher than he realizes, because Evan flinches.

"Um- just- It's kind of- for me it's kind of obvious." Evan motions at himself. Connor nods.

"Blue, then?"

"Yeah." A too-long pause. "Yours?"

"Black."

"Is it?" The way Evan asks- like he doesn't quite believe it- makes Connor frown. He- Connor- is literally wearing _all black._ More black than Evan is wearing blue.

What's worse is that he's right. That isn't quite the truth. Connor huffs a sigh, crossing his arms. "Purple."

"Oh!"

_"What."_

"Nothing- it's nothing I was just surprised, I guess."

"You asked."

"Yeah- um- right."

"Jesus. This is pointless." Connor stands, and Evan fumbles grabbing his bag while standing, too. "This isn't going to work."

"Um." Evan hesitates, but Connor remains silent until the other finally says what he's thinking. "Then- are you going to tell them the truth?"

The truth. It wouldn't hurt Connor any, really. No more than not having a friend in the first place would have. What did he have to lose, except the weird sense of lost worry lacing his interactions with his mother? He never actually _confirmed_ anything Evan told them. He could easily tell them the truth, and it would only be Evan who'd really be affect by it. Which was mostly his own fault, so it's not like Connor did anything- except steal the letter in the first place, but...

Either way, Connor sighs, realization setting in. He's not telling his parents the truth. He doesn't want to deal with it, honestly. It might be more energy to do that, then to continue the lie. At least he tells himself that, which is why he responds, "no, I'm not."

"So- then we have to- don't we have to do this?"

"Guess so."

"What should we..."

"You've been to my house, right?"

"Um- yes. Your parent's invited me, and-"

"Great." Connor's words brings Evan's reply to a halt. "You busy after school?"

"No."

"Even better. Come over. If we survive one day, we'll be golden." Connor doesn't actually have any evidence that's the case, but if he says it with enough confidence maybe Evan wont question it.

"Oh- okay. When...should I be there?"

"Whenever." Evan opens his mouth to reply, and Connor beats him to it, already knowing what's coming. "Four. Okay?"

"Okay. I can do that. That works."

"Great, fantastic." A pause. "See you...then."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> when this story ends up less liked (? good? received?) then Pain, I will not be surprised but.........eh


	3. Do any of these words make sense?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Are you always like this?" The question isn't harsh. Not...judging in the way Evan would have expected it to be.   
> "Yes."  
> "Noted."

Evan is having what some people might describe as a _crisis_.

At 3:54 Evan stands outside the Murphy household, and that's where he remains until 3:59, when he thinks, _now I'm not too early_. As if that's the thing that's going to ruin his cover. Being early. Not the fact he knows _nothing about_ Connor. Not the fact that they aren't _actually friends._ Not the fact that they barely even tried to discuss their stories, before hand. No, being a few minutes _early_ \- to the arbitrary time Connor obviously only gave him to make him not freak out- is what's going to ruin things.

So Evan approaches the door at 3:59, knocks, and shrinks under Zoe's narrowed expression when she opens the door. "What are you doing here?" The question isn't asked unkindly, but Evan still feels a tightening of worry in his chest. Does she _know?_ Had Zoe figured it out? (She didn't believe him in the first place, but he thought she'd been convinced-) Does she just not want him around? Evan wouldn't be surprised, he wouldn't want himself around either. And he's taken way too long to respond. At _least_ twenty seconds have passed. He should have responded by now. He needs to respond.

"Um." Perfect. J _ust absolutely a prefect response, Evan._ He clears his throat. "I- Connor- I was invited?" He doesn't _mean_ to phrase it as a question, but Evan doesn't mean to say half the things he does. More than, as of late. Which is just _fantastic_ since he over-thinks the things he _wants_ to say and then goes and says whatever he wants. Zoe frowns at him. She really must know, right?

"Since when-" Zoe cuts herself off with a shake of her head. "He's upstairs." And then she's stepping aside and Evan is stepping inside. She leaves him in the threshold after shutting the door and Evan takes another full thirty seconds to make himself _move._ Takes far-too-heavy steps towards the stairs. He knows where the stairs are. He knows where Connor's room is. He's been there.

This is fine.

Connor's door is shut. Does he knock? It's polite to knock. He should knock. Evan knocks, and the door immediately swings open to Connor's _exhausted_ expression. Tired eyes, frown. There are dark circles that _must_ have been there earlier in the day, but Evan hadn't noticed. Maybe it's the lighting? Or because he doesn't look people in the eyes enough. Both? It can be both. It's probably both. Evan should look people in the eyes more.

Connor motions his head into the room, then turns, leaving the door open. Evan follows. "Close the door." Evan stops, turns, closes the door as lightly as physically possible, then turns back around.

"So- we're -are we going to- what should we do?" Evan asks, as Connor sits on the floor next to his bed. Connor shrugs, runs a hand through his hair- it gets caught and he tugs tangles out harshly enough Evan thinks it _must_ hurt- and then motions Evan to sit down beside him. Evan sinks onto the floor next to Connor.

"Have you eaten?"

"Today? Or- or since lunch?"

"The fact you have to ask is concerning."

"Concerning?"

"If you're not eating."

"I eat. Like- a normal amount. Not- I mean sometimes I skip meals because I can't- eating is really unappealing- but like- I mostly eat normally." Connor just hums in response. Acknowledging, but Evan has no idea how he feels about the response. Or if he feels anything at all. Maybe it's not important enough to feel anything about. "I- um- but no."

"No?"

"Today I haven't. I- I skipped lunch, and didn't really- I was kind of a mess this morning, so." Evan shrugs to end the sentence. Connor nods again.

"Cool. Then you should stay for dinner."

"Why?"

"Why?" Connor echoes, disbelief clear enough in his tone. He turns to look at Evan with- what is that? Confusion? Surprise? "So my parents can see that we're friends."

"Oh. Yeah, okay. Yeah that makes- that makes sense I should have known. I can- I can do that."

"Are you always like this?" The question isn't harsh. Not...judging in the way Evan would have expected it to be. 

"Yes."

"Noted." Connor sighs, turning away to stare straight at his wall. "You've already had dinner with them before, right?"

"Yeah."

"So you know what to expect."

"Won't it- you don't think it'll be any- be different?"

"Well..." Connor tilts his head back and forth, like he's debating something in his mind.

The longer his silence, the more the thread at the hem of Evan's shirt loosens. He should stop picking at it. He should definitely stop doing that. But now it's loose and doesn't sit right, so maybe he should just pull it out? Or cut it? But then it'll unravel so maybe he should burn it so it doesn't. Except he doesn't own a lighter, and that's not a good idea with his shaky hands.

"It might be...loud. Like yelling and shit."

"Oh that's how it was last time."

 _"What."_ Connor turns to look at Evan in what looks like genuine surprise. Like he didn't expect that. "They seriously- when I wasn't here?"

"Yes?"

"And when you- a _guest_ \- were?"

"Yes?" Evan repeats, louder, higher in pitch. Connor's expression tightens, and he turns to glare at the wall. Evan isn't sure what's going through his head. Probably couldn't ever really get it. "They- um- it wasn't that bad?"

"Sure." Connor's disbelief is evident. "Does that kinda stuff- yelling and whatever- does it make your whole... _thing_ worse?"

 _My crippling anxiety you mean?_ Evan doesn't ask that, because even though everyone obviously knows, saying it is _so much worse_. Especially out loud. Maybe he could write it? But pulling out a pen and paper- he doesn't even have his bag because he went home first- would be really weird right now. Connor must _already_ think he's weird, he doesn't need to make it worse.

"Sometimes, yes. I mean it was why- I started making stuff up because of it but- but I'll be fine. I mean if it's not- if they aren't yelling _at me_ I'll probably be okay."

"Probably." Connor stands with a sigh, then offers Evan a hand up. Evan wipes his hand on his shirt, before taking it. Connor doesn't comment on this. "Okay, you know the table setup?"

"Yes?" Evan nods- maybe a little too much- and Connor drops Evan's hand.

"Okay, great. So this is the left- facing the kitchen left side." Connor stands where he is. Evan nods again. Connor moves to the other side of his room. "And the right. Got it?"

"Yes I- yep."

"Zoe usually sits here."

"Right."

"And Larry is over there." Connor points towards his bed- the left. Evan nods again. "Mom's next to him, on this side." He points to his wall- where there's a bookshelf- which is the kitchen side in the table setting. Evan nods again.

"Okay."

"Sit across from her."

"Okay?"

"And I'll be next to you." Connor points to what would be that place. Evan nods _again._ "Just- I don't know- kick me or something if you need to leave."

"I can't- I can't do that-"

"Or _something._ You're not gonna hurt me, Hansen."

"I could- If- you don't know for sure. I might accidentally-"

 _"Evan._ You're fine. Jesus. I'll be fine, okay?"

"Okay."

"Great."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I cannot believe I managed to separate 1 day into 3 chapters. usually i have like entire months take place in 1 chapter (see....most of pain)
> 
> writing connor: "yo what the fuck????"  
> writing evan: "if you so much as look at me i will start crying"  
> i am both of them


	4. Just say a thing to stop me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's weird. They aren't yelling yet, but Connor feels like they are. His conversations- if he can call them that- with Zoe don't last this long, ever. Either they devolve to him yelling and her leaving, or their parents intervene and Connor ends up fighting with them. He doesn't like it. This extended not-yelling is somehow worse. Like stacking a pile of something high and waiting for it to fall over, but it hasn't yet so you're just waiting. Is this what Evan feels like all the time? It's how he acts all the time. Or at least all the time Connor has spent with him.

Connor knows his family is fucked up. That's like the one thing he's 100% certain about in life. His family is fucked up. But, man, he didn't think they were _screaming at each other while their son is in the hospital after a suicide attempt and his best friend is visiting at their request_ , fucked up. Something about it really pisses him off, but he can't quite place what. The fact him being in the hospital only caused more fighting? The fact they didn't take one look at Evan and go, "we can never yell in front of this scared boy," maybe? Not that Connor thinks Evan is- like- a scared child or anything. But with his parents habit of overreacting he'd thought that was kind of a given.

The point being: Connor's family is fucked up and he's more worried about this dinner than he thought he'd be.

Unfortunately dinner approaches way too quickly, and his mother his calling for him and his _friend_ to join them. So he steels himself for the inevitable disaster, and leaves his room. Evan follows him.

This is going to be a disaster, Connor can feel it in his bones.

His mom is staring. Larry is staring. Zoe is pointedly not staring, looking down at her plate with a glare instead. Evan is shrinking under their eyes and Connor-

Connor is trying really hard not to speak. Because if he speaks he _knows_ what he's going to say. Knows what it'll bring. ("Stop fucking staring at us, Jesus." Then "Connor we're not _staring,"_ and "We're just-")

"So," Cynthia starts, Connor turns his attention to her. She's looking at Evan, and Connor's stomach twists in momentary worry. "How has school been? Now that Connor's back-"

"Didn't Connor not want them to hang out at school?" Zoe says, immediately stopping that line of questioning. Connor's attention snaps to her- then briefly to Evan, who jumps, then back- with a glare. "Weird that you're _suddenly_ all buddy-buddy when you didn't even want to be _seen_ around Evan before."

"Mind your own fucking business," Connor says, because honestly what _else_ can he say? They weren't actually friends? That it's _Evan_ who should be worried about being seen with Connor? None of that would be helpful- and hell if he's going to let them know any of that- so he crosses his arms, clutching his sleeves. 

"I just think it's weird!"

"It's- that's not- we-" Evan's attempt at defense is _weak_ , but Connor couldn't have expected much more. Harder to lie about someone when they're sitting next to you. "You know so- so it doesn't matter anymo- at this point?"

Connor glances at Evan, who's ringing his hands. Doesn't that hurt? "Yeah, exactly."

"People at school don't know."

"We don't hang out at school." Connor turns back to Zoe, glare only less intense for the sake of his _bafflement_ at the statement. What the fuck is she trying to get at? Why does it _matter?_ Does she want him to be miserable that badly? (Of course she does, Connor thinks. He would.)

"I _literally_ saw you together today."

"What are you spying on me now?"

It's weird. They aren't yelling yet, but Connor _feels_ like they are. His conversations- if he can call them that- with Zoe don't last this long, ever. Either they devolve to him yelling and her leaving, or their parents intervene and Connor ends up fighting with _them._ He doesn't like it. This extended not-yelling is somehow _worse._ Like stacking a pile of something high and waiting for it to fall over, but it hasn't yet so you're just waiting. Is this what Evan feels like all the time? It's how he _acts_ all the time. Or at least all the time Connor has spent with him.

Which is only a few days.

"Mom _asked_ me to-"

"You _what?!"_ Connor looks to see _that_ expression on his mothers face. Cynthia has this one expression, like shes trying to get him to listen to her, and believes whatever she says or does is completely correct. He hates it, because he can never quite argue with her. He'll say _no_ , he'll leave, but he never yells at _her_. Because she never actively _fights_ him, just says what she wishes he would do. Sometimes he thinks that's worse.

"Connor."

"What?"

"I just wanted to make sure you were okay. You went back to school so soon-"

"You just wanted to-" Connor shuts his mouth with an echoing click of his jaw. Or maybe only he can hear that.

"Connor, you're overreacting. You're mother just wanted to make sure you were okay after your stunt."

Stunt. _Stunt_. His stunt? His _stunt?_ Oh, of course. His little stunt. What else would it be? What else would he call it? What else-

Connor jumps when Evan kicks him. Connor looks over at the other, but despite all of Evan's obvious nervousness- that always present thing- he doesn't look any worse than before. Any more like he needs to leave. Connor raises an eyebrow at him- the only way to ask without saying, _hey want to leave-_ in the middle of conversation. Evan shakes his head, his expression filled with worry.

Connor is distinctly aware that they're being watched.

"What?"

"They're just worried," Evan says, simply. Yet there's something _off_ about the way he says it. Connor has only known Evan a few days, really. (They've definitely been in the same school since elementary, but when did they ever interact?) Yet Connor is distinctly aware of just how not-Evan, Evan's voice sounds. He's not trying to convince Connor- he wouldn't sound so _sure_ if that was the case- so what-

"Fine, whatever." It's a stop to the incoming argument. Connor looks away. Stares at his food, instead. Cynthia goes back to interrogating Evan lightly about school, and Connor mostly tunes them out.

Outside the Murphy household, Connor stands on the sidewalk, Evan a small ways away, about to leave. "Thanks, Hansen."

"Huh? I didn't- um- I was the one who made this situation-"

"Not that." Connor sighs. Evan really just doesn't know how to shut up, does he? (Connor isn't sure he does, either, but at least his words aren't always placating.)

"Then- what?"

"Dinner you were- that was to keep an argument from happening, right?" Because if it wasn't, then Connor has a new direction for his annoyance.

"Oh. Yeah. I'm sorry- I- I know that wasn't- um- what you would have wanted to hear. But I just thought- I mean- if you, "accepted," that then they'd- it wouldn't be- there wouldn't be an argument."

"Yeah." Connor shrugs. "Well it worked, so thanks."

"No...problem."

"You going to be okay on your way?" Connor motions to the darkening sky as explanation. Evan nods.

"Yep I'll be- fine. I know my way back. Well obviously this isn't the first time- so yeah. Yeah."

"Okay."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> does writing the narration differently when its limited to connor and evan show through or  
> im trying but im also distinctly aware of the fact that i wrote at 56 chapter story from evans perspective so i don't know if connor's is as different as i mean for it to be  
> oh well


	5. for now I just want to quiet my mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Before Connor can respond again, the door to the computer lab opens. Connor's mouth shuts on it's way to speak with a click, and Evan turns to look at the door. Jared Kleinman lets the door swing back closed behind him, as he enters. Glances quickly over the room to easily find Connor and Evan, and grins in a way that _deeply_ unsettles Evan. Connor makes an obviously unhappy noise that Evan is sure only he can hear as Jared starts to make his way over to them. Connor is looking at Evan, when Evan turns back to him, expressions questioning. _Did you tell him to come here?_ Evan shakes his head harshly from side to side, before turning to Jared again as the other drops into a chair nearby.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gee i love having hives bc im allergic to my own clothes  
> its a great time!
> 
> anyway its been months but i listened to for forever 1 time and got emotional bc deh will never let me go, so i got the motivation for this chapter.  
> and of course its the middle of the night whoops.

Evan doesn't actually like trees _that much._ He likes trees. He know a lot about them for the average person. But he's not- like- obsessed with them. They're nice, he likes them. But Evan doesn't actually like them _that much._ See people- read: Jared because he's the only one Evan talks to- have just latched onto that. One too many- six too many, a hundred too many- mentions of the things- because he knows how to talk about them, because he's nearly coherent when he does- have just caused that association. It's why they somehow became such a large part of his story for the Murphy's.

(And maybe because he wishes, dearly, that when he was up there someone was with him. Then he wouldn't have- he would have had someone to help him when he fell. He'd be able to say he wasn't alone. That he didn't have to pull himself up, and find his boss because _nobody was coming for him._ Nobody was going to find him. Nobody even noticed-)

Evan doesn't actually like trees as much as people- Jared, the Murphy's- think he does.

"So- like- trees?" Connor asks. It's been a week since dinner at the Murphy's, and they've not really spoken since. They've spoken, for sure, but not _really_ spoken. Not about anything. Not important things. Not even, "friendship," things. Hello's and Goodbyes' exchanged before and after sitting in the computer lab, mostly not talking. Because Connor is convinced Zoe is still watching him for their mother, and Evan is too nervous about that possibility to take any chances.

Evan holds back a sigh. Bites the inside of his cheek, glances down at his cast and picks at his nails. "Um- yes." Untrue. Another lie on his pile. But a familiar one. One he can act out easily. One that doesn't rely on information he doesn't know. One that doesn't rely on a person who he doesn't know.

"Hansen."

"Yes?" Evan looks up. Doesn't meet Connor's eyes- never does- but looks up at his face. Connor is frowning but he doesn't _look_ angry. Not that Evan is an expert on Connor's expressions. Maybe he is angry? It's possible. Connor could have unusual- no, just different- expressions than what Evan is used to. That might be it. Then he is angry? What is he angry about? What did Evan do, this time?

"That was the least confident response anyone has _ever_ given to a question about what they like."

"I doubt- I don't think that's quite accurate."

"Quite accurate," Connor repeats with a laugh. Laughing _at_ Evan. "It's called an exaggeration."

"I know what exaggerations are!" Evan says, defensively. Connor hums, leaning back in his seat. There's an amusement- at least Evan thinks it's amusement- on his face that Evan isn't quite sure about. Is it a good thing? Or is he about to make fun of Evan? This would be easier if Connor was Jared. He knows Jared's expressions. (Jared also doesn't like Evan, so it's not like it would be that different. At least Jared has _practice_ at pretending to be Evan's friend.)

"I'm sure you do, Hansen. That's not what I meant. What do you _actually_ like?"

"What do I- how do I- I don't know how to answer that. I mean- um- obviously I know what I like-" does he, though- "I just- um- don't know how to answer that specifically. Like that's such a general question what do I say to that? Music? Everyone always says- like- "oh I like music," or "I like movies," but what does that even mean? Like that's- that's way too general. There are so many different types of those things? Like if I said, "yes I like food," people would think- um- _is that a human person_ or something, because like- um- that's not a thing people say? So why is it what we say with music, and movies, and games, and...everything."

"Are you saying my very specific statement of, "I like music," isn't valid? Harsh."

"What- no! I'm sorry-"

"Hansen I'm messing with you."

"Oh."

Connor stares at him, but Evan doesn't know what to say. Finally Connor shakes his head- what for, Evan doesn't know- and speaks. "Sorry, is sarcasm- like- hard for you?"

"It's- um- I _understand_ sarcasm, but..."

"But?"

"I just react before I can process it, I guess?"

"Okay." Connor nods. Goes silent again, and Evan thinks he's ruined this conversation. Not that he's surprised, that's kind of his thing at this point. Ruining things, he means. "So why trees?"

"Huh?"

"Why is that the only thing I know about you?"

Why is it the only thing he knows about Evan? Why does Connor, who barely knows him, have this idea that trees are a big enough part of his life to be part of his identity? Why does _Connor Murphy_ think that, when they've only know each other a few days? (Well technically they've know each other a lot longer than that, but hadn't spoken, so it must not count.)

"Because it's-" because it's? "It's easy."

"Easy."

"It's easy to say. I know enough about them that if I say, "I like these," most people wont question it. If i just- if I just know _something_ that's enough."

"Something," Connor echos Evan again. Frowns, and glances to the side. Hums as if considering something. "Genre of music?"

"Huh?"

"What kind of _music do you like_ , Hansen?"

"Rock."

"What," the word doesn't sound like a question when Connor says it. Something more like a statement. An expression of confusion- surprise, maybe- at Evan's response. Evan flinches, despite himself.

"W-what?"

"Rock?" Connor emphasizes the word. Disbelief so clear in his voice Evan could never mistake it for anything else.

"Yes?"

"Seriously? You?"

"Me." Evan nods, agreeing, then, "me?" Why was that so surprising? Why was Connor so surprised? Because Evan is falling apart as a person, probably. Because he's a living- barely- disaster. Because this is the kid who broke his arm and nobody cared. This is the kid who's letter to himself- which was supposed to be positive, supposed to be helping him- was depressing enough it was mistaken for a suicide letter. Because he's Evan Hansen, and he'll have a panic attack- anxiety attack, he corrects himself- if someone raises their voice at him even slightly again.

"You don't seem...the type."

"The type? What do- do you only- think only angry people listen to rock?" Funnily, Evan isn't sure he, himself, would be excluded from this idea. Anxiety may be his primary state, but underneath that he- well, that resentment he feels despite himself is still there, isn't it?

"No, I just didn't think people like you did."

"Oh."

"What kind of rock?"

"Um," Evan says, _intelligently_. Fumbles for a response, unsure how to respond. What type? He's never been able to make the distinction. Never taken the chance to learn. Did it matter? It was a feeling that he latched onto. Songs- sometimes artists- but not the genre itself. He only knew they were considered rock because songs have nice little tags attached to them that tell him what they are. "Just- uh- I don't know?"

"Fair enough." Connor looks away, considering. "We'll have to exchange recommendations and see, then."

"Oh, okay."

Before Connor can respond again, the door to the computer lab opens. Connor's mouth shuts on it's way to speak with a click, and Evan turns to look at the door. Jared Kleinman lets the door swing back closed behind him, as he enters. Glances quickly over the room to easily find Connor and Evan, and grins in a way that _deeply_ unsettles Evan. Connor makes an obviously unhappy noise that Evan is sure only he can hear as Jared starts to make his way over to them. Connor is looking at Evan, when Evan turns back to him, expressions questioning. _Did you tell him to come here?_ Evan shakes his head harshly from side to side, before turning to Jared again as the other drops into a chair nearby.

"So, Murphy."

"Kleinman," Connor grits out through clenched teeth. "Here to- what- study the freaks?" Plural. Including Evan- or is including himself, since he'd already called Evan one once? Maybe just lumping them together. The two freaks pretending to have friends by using each other.

"Oh, of course, I love myself a good freak show." Jared laughs, rolling his eyes. The two shouldn't be done at the same time, Evan thinks. "No I'm here to make sure you aren't going to kill poor Evan."

"What the fuck?" Connor says simply.

"Jared." Evan frowns at him. "He's not- why are you actually here?"

"Aw you don't think I'm here to check on you, my good friend?"

"Family friend," Evan corrects, for once. Jared blinks at him, as if unprepared for the response. As if he hasn't thrown the same words at him over, and over, and over again. Family friends. Because he could never _actually_ be Evan's friend. At least Connor said there was a chance. If he didn't believe it doesn't matter; he didn't shoot any hope of friendship down, at least. Evan frowns at Jared, unable to bring himself to say anything else.

Jared sighs, over-dramatic. "Wow you two sure are a pair. You're prefect for each other." Jared grins, expression too harsh. "Nah I just wanted to know how long you plan to keep this thing up."

"This thing?" Evan asks at the same time as Connor says, "What the fuck does that mean?"

"Oh shit Evan, did you not tell Connor how crucial I was to covering for your dumbass lies?" He's not usually this mean, Evan thinks. Jared is mean to him, all the time, but it's jabs. Little things that pile up and up until they crush Evan again. The direct nature of his words- insults- makes Evan wince. 

"He told me all about it. That's not what I was talking about." Connors voice has raised, just slightly. He's not yelling- doesn't sound like he's going to yell, at all- but Evan recognizes the tone. ("Yeah- no- it was funny. I'm laughing, can't you tell? Am I not laughing hard enough for you?") But he doesn't move, arms crossed, leaning back in his chair. Jared straightens in his own seat. "Why, did you think we needed you for this still?"

Jared laughs, nervously. "Well- obviously not. I don't want part of your weird fake-dating scheme."

"Our _what?"_ Connor does move then, leaning further forward. Jared gets out of seat, hands up as if to wave away Connor's words. Or to protect himself, though Connor doesn't move more than that. Evan doesn't move.

"Look, I'm not judging you." _But you are_ , Evan thinks. "Just wanted to remind you that I know." _Is that a threat?_

"Is that a threat? Blackmail?" Connor grins, crooked. Evan sinks back away from him, Jared crosses his arms. "You realize if any of that gets out you're the one that _wrote letters pretending to be a kid that tried to kill himself_ , right?" So is Evan, but Connor didn't seem _nearly_ this upset with him.

Had been angry- justifiably- distrusting, worried it was a joke. But he hadn't threatened Evan. Lying was protecting Evan more than anyone else, honestly, and Connor was allowing that when he didn't have to, Evan realizes with a start. Jumps, though the other two don't seem to notice.

Jared's reminder means more for Evan than Connor. If Jared told anyone, he himself would be a risk, sure, but Evan was the one who started it. Who lied in the first place. Who made up the stories, the emails. Was Jared...threatening him? He wouldn't, right? That was rediculous. Evan is overthinking things. He must be overthinking it. He does that. That's _all he ever does._ Overthinking is his default state, he tries to tell himself. Jared is a terrible friend- not friend- and kind of a jerk, but he wouldn't do that. Connor must be misinterpreting Jared. They both are.

"Whatever," Jared says finally. Or has it been that long? Evan kind of lost himself for a moment there. (Not that that's new.) Whatever Jared intends to say next- and he does go to say something else- he doesn't. Turns and leaves in a manner not too unlike what he did on the first day. Turning and leaving Evan and Connor behind. This time, however, Connor doesn't mistake Evan for mocking him. For being on Jared's side.

"What the fuck was that, even?" Connor says once Jared has left. "He's not going to tell people, is he?"

"I don't think so. It- it wouldn't help him and- and he wouldn't risk his insurance."

"His what?"

"His car insurance?"

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"Oh- um- our moms are friends so- they're friends so they want us to be friends. Jared says that if they think we're not friends anymore they'll stop paying for his car insurance. So- well- so we're, "family friends," and I have to tell my mom that we're friends so that they believe it and he keeps it."

"That is...super fucked up, Evan."

"Well...yeah."

"Like somehow more fucked up then our thing. At least we're both getting something out of this."

More fucked up than their thing. More fucked up than Evan lying about their friendship to not upset Connor's parents. More fucked up than that. Connor thinks his, "friendship," with Jared is more fucked up than that.

Oh.

"Oh." Evan doesn't know why, but he laughs. "I guess it is." He feels the warmth on his face that usually proceeds tears, and forces himself to take deep breaths. Wills that not to happen because he can't even figure out why he wants to cry.

"So- uh- you ever listen to Set It Off?"

Evan laughs again, this time at the horrible excuse for a distraction. Connor doesn't seem offended, when Evan looks up at him again. For some reason, the first thought Evan has is, _reply with a lyric._ Because he has, in fact, listened to the band in question. " _I've created a monster, a hell within my head."_

"That's the lyric you chose?"

"It's- um- it's kind of perfect isn't it?"

"I don't know is it?"

"An-Anxiety is like that, yeah."

"Fair enough." Connor smiles, lighter than most of his expressions. Lighter than any Evan has seen so far. Hums again, seeming to search his mind for something. " _Loveless and watch me bleed, tear me apart."_

"You- you chose a lyric from _Freak Show_ , of all songs and- and you're- you're judging my choice?"

"Don't you just love the irony, though?"

"Is that irony? I don't- I don't know if that's how irony works, Connor."

"Aw come on Hansen, you're killing me here."

"And after you just got out of the hospital, too," Evan says with the false sincerity of someone who really feels bad about it. Who believes _you're killing me here,_ was serious. The fact he managed it makes him laugh more than his own- is it a joke- word would. Connor's reaction is small- smaller than Evan's own- but he laughs too, so Evan counts that as a victory.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> connor, normally: "hansen"  
> connor, when talking about how fucked up evan and jareds friendship is: "evan"  
> me: thats real(ish) friendship baby


	6. I thank god that I'm not you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor sometimes wonders if there's something he's missing. Something about Evan he hasn't figured out, yet. Because sure they both didn't have friends, but for very different reasons. So Connor can't really say he understands the other. (Like who in their right mind would go along with that bullshit Kleinman has Evan going through for his own self interest, when he wont even hang out with Evan?)

"So, Connor, how's school?" At being addressed, Connor looks up at his mother. Cynthia looks the perfect example of calm, and he looks away immediately. That's fake, for sure. She must be concerned- or something- if she's asking.

"Fine?"

"Do you even go to any of your classes?" Zoe mutters. Connor takes a deep breath as subtly as he can to keep from reacting.

"Yes." Some of them, at least.

"Sure." She rolls her eyes, and Connor clutches his fork tighter. Stares down at his untouched dinner as if it will offer him some form of calm.

"Well- um- how's Evan?" Cynthia tries again, and Connor shrugs.

"Fine."

"Connor," Larry scolds, though Connor can't quite tell what he's being scolded _for._ His tone? The fact he said _fine_ to both questions? The fact he must look approximately one second away from leaving the dinner table?

"What?" He forces the word out, practically a hiss. Zoe flinches on his other side.

"Have you two been hanging out lately?" Cynthia tries, yet again. Larry remains silent, watching Connor like an animal they've cornered. 

"I guess."

"You...guess?"

"What do you want me to say?" Connor sighs, puts his fork down because it's digging too harshly into his skin. The lines it leaves behind are what he chooses to look at, instead of them. "Yes, sure, we hang out, Jesus. Is that all?"

"Connor we're just...curious."

"What are we supposed to do when we find out you've been hiding your friendship for so long?" Larry's voice is monotone, like he's trying to placate Connor by not showing any emotion himself. It doesn't work, because Connor finds anger forming in his chest at the tone. It's fine, he tells himself. This is fine, he can do this.

"Yeah, well, _maybe_ this is exactly why I didn't want to fucking tell you anything." Connor lifts his head to glare at Larry.

"Connor," he scolds again.

 _"What?"_ Connor turns fully. Slams a hand onto the table. Zoe flinches again, Cynthia gives a small, weak, call of his name. "Apparently I can't do anything without being interrogated over it! What should I have done? Come home one day saying, "hey look I made a friend be proud of me," or some shit? Look what you're doing right now!"

"Connor!" Larry's false monotone breaks. "If you didn't act like this all the time we wouldn't have to question everything about your life! What else could you be hiding from us?"

His friendship is fake. He wishes he was dead- oh, wait, they should know that one. Connor stands, chair wobbling but not falling over. "I don't have to tell _you_ anything!"

"I'm your father."

"Yeah, you're doing a great job _dad_ , look a what an upstanding citizen your son has become!" Connor turns, storms towards the stairs while Larry calls out after him. More yelling, arguments that he doesn't want to hear.

"You ever skipped school?" Connor asks Evan, very specifically _after_ school. He's pretty sure if he had asked during the day Evan would assume he was going to ask him to skip. He's also pretty sure Evan would have a breakdown if he tired.

"Oh- I've- not really?"

"Not...really."

"I- um- I've left early without- well- without telling anyone until after I'd left but that was- I wasn't really _skipping_ if- if you know what I mean?"

"What- like- because of a health thing?"

"Um...yeah. A health thing." A whatever-mental-issue-he-has thing, Evan must mean. Connor nods. "Why?"

"Just eliminating stuff for our story. Can't go telling people we skipped school together when you have never done that in your life."

"Oh."

"So what was that thing you told my parents? About us hanging out?"

"About the orchard?"

"Yeah that's the one." Connor stuffs his hands into his hoodie's pockets as they walk. Leave the school together, for the first time. "Why'd you tell them that was when you broke your arm?"

Many emotions flicker over Evan's face, but he finally settles onto embarrassment, as he looks away. "It- I didn't really mean to. Just, I was talking about us climbing and-" Evans voice catches- "well I did what I just- what I did the whole time with the lies and said whatever came to mind."

"Right, okay." Connor sometimes wonders if there's something he's missing. Something about Evan he hasn't figured out, yet. Because sure they both didn't have friends, but for very different reasons. So Connor can't really say he understands the other. (Like who in their right mind would go along with that bullshit Kleinman has Evan going through for his own self interest, when he wont even hang out with Evan?) "Want to see if the orchard even _has_ a tree tall enough for that still?"

"Huh?"

"I'm asking if you want to live out your lie, Hansen." Not really _live it out_ , since there's plenty of parts about that, that Connor would never do. The fact his parents believed it all so easily really just goes to show how little they know about him.

"Okay."

So like 90% of the trees in the orchard are dead. Not that it's a shock, but Connor guesses even he was kind of caught up on the ideas Evan had talked about. It's lucky his parents didn't know- didn't check- because they for sure would have figured Evan out if they had. Or maybe Evan would have come up with something else, who knows.

They walks through the dead trees without conversation, and it's surprisingly nice, honestly. Evan never shuts up, usually, but he doesn't _look_ like he's struggling to say something. Just being quiet. Like Connor himself, though Connor doesn't have an issue with that like Evan does. Further in, they find some signs of living plants, or at least Evan says so. Connor can't really tell the difference.

There are a number of, "tall," tree's in different places, and though none of them seem terrifyingly tall, they might be the closest thing to Evan's story they'll find. Evan approaches one and puts the hand on his not-broken arm to it. Sighs, softly, and looks like he's going to collapse on himself for just a moment. Then he steps away, and turns to Connor.

"Have you ever climbed a tree?"

"Yeah when I was a kid."

"Oh." Evan nods. Then tilts his head back and forth, before speaking again. "Something about being up that high is really- really um- it's nice?" That doesn't sound like the word he wanted. Doesn't look like it either, because Evan grimaces.

"I think i'd be too tempted to drop myself." Evan flinches at that, and Connor has two realizations at once. 1) Kind of a shitty thing to say to someone who fell out of a tree and broke his arm. 2) Kind of a fucked up thing to say so shortly after Connor tried to kill himself. "So- uh- how'd it actually happen?"

"What?" Evan's response comes out as almost full-blown panic. Connor winces at Evan's expression. 

"Whoa- dude- calm down. I only know the version you told my parents, is all."

"Oh, right. Of course." What does _that_ mean? What did Evan think Connor meant? "Um, well, I was climbing and I got- maybe- like forty feet up. Then- uh- the branch broke, and I fell."

"Right?"

Hesitation, then. "Nobody- uh- knew I was there, so I had to go find my boss, and they took me to the hospital."

"Your boss?"

"Oh- right! I was working at the park last summer and-" Evan goes on, rambling. Connor half-listens but all he can think about is the words _nobody knew I was there._ What if it has been _worse?_ How long would Evan have been left there?

Connors mind races with thoughts of being found bleeding, dying. Of being found in some way he can't remember. Of waking up in a hospital more than once and thinking _if only they hadn't found me._

"Shit, Hansen, I just remembered."

"Wh-what?"

"We totally skipped the ice cream part of your story." The words make Evan laugh, though it's slightly nervous.

"It- um- it wasn't really a big part of it."

"Are you saying you _don't_ want free ice cream?"

"Free?" Evan whispers the word, obviously confused, before shaking his head. "That's not what I said."

"Yeah, free. You think I'm gonna drag you along and force you to pay for it yourself? Give me a little credit." Before Evan can start apologizing, Connor adds, "besides isn't that what friends do for each other?"

"Oh- uh- I don't know. Probably?"

The fact he doesn't know kind of annoys Connor. Not that its Evan's fault, but now every time Evan says something like that, Connor thinks about Jared Kleinman and his fucked up not-friendship with Evan. Why does Evan put up with someone like that? Actually- Connor glances back at Evan, as he starts to walk back towards the exit- it's probably only because he's Evan that he does. At least the only person who's ever pretended to be Connor's friend didn't use it to get something from _Connor._

Not that Connor thinks their fake-friendship is some great, wholesome thing. But Connor still thinks it's less messed up than what Evan and Jared have going on. Connor can say with almost certainty that he's already a better, "friend," to Evan than Kleinman is. And how fucked up is that? Connor, who ruins every relationship he has, has a less fucked up friendship with Evan than the guy who's supposed to be Evan's friend.

"Hey, Evan?"

"Y-yeah?"

"What do you usually do after school, anyway?"

"Oh- um- go home?"

"And?"

"I- I don't have a good answer for that. I just kind of...exist, I guess."

"Huh." Connor nods. "Fair enough."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for some reason i am.....very tired. so let me know if there's any distracting typos <3

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are always greatly appreciated! (And they might make me cry)


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